Posted by: jruthkelly | November 12, 2009

Too Big A Bite . . .

The rains flood my world this week, washing the brightness, floating leaves yellow all around. I walk under dripping canopies, trees sending waves of shine through wet air, a pale golden hue whispers stillness as the leaves paint their way to the ground. It’s been surreal, beautiful and real. A rainstorm of compassion on my world in the form of many kind gestures. Some from myself, some from instructors and sisters and dearest friends. It’s a week of deeper commitment to a layer of growth not found in the halls of education but it has certainly been provoked by it.

rain of color

the rain sparkles in twilight

At some point this past Sunday I faced the truth I’d been running from for 3 weeks: Statistics had to go. 4 classes after 22 years of absence from formal education is a hell of a lot to ask of someone with 3 kids and concerns for maintaining a level of health I’ve fought hard to attain and it’s not perfection by any stretch. I had not taken any other math courses since the age of 19. That’s a long time. The truth is, I had a B average in that class but the past 3 weeks left me stumped. It wasn’t sinking in and I didn’t have time to get help. I could cram and spend every spare second beating my brain around the subject but it would hurt my 3 other classes. Since I could still drop without it reflecting badly on my GPA, I took the leap. But what a painful leap. I loved that class. Oddly enough. 

Sounds like no big deal, just life, lah tee dah. But it’s a big deal for me. All of this time is a big deal. And it’s been frought with tinges of frenzy to compensate for a sense of lost time. But what a black hole that idea becomes. “Hurry up Ruth! You’ve been losing time parenting and crawling out of generational wreckage and obsessing over what to do next and LOOK AT YOU! MOVE IT.” I can be ruthless. Lost time? When I’ve been giving my energy and time to things immeasurably precious? You can’t squeeze the equivalent of two lifetimes into one. But I have a tendency to want to do that very thing. And then I feel like a freak when I can’t pull it off, sure that everyone else is far more “together” than I am.

Then I ran into my very Italian Lit. instructor. Scorpio wonder supreme. She became part of the shower of compassion this week.  I’d not done well (in my estimation anyway. it really wasn’t that bad, actually) on the last test and wanted to understand how my essay had gone so wrong. The timing of our meeting to discuss the essay was perfect. It turned out to be a rich flow of sharing life situations and encapsulated therapy. And encouragement and support in my choice to cut back. “Ruth, when I was your age and had one child it was too much! I took TWO classes.” This one 30 minute slice of pragmatic and generous aid was healing. Just watching her in class, waving her arms around and speaking her New York Italian accent is a wealth…and she’s another refugee of the worst of religion. Great simpatico sustenance in her presence.

So, a reality check via respect for limitations and a love of self’s trails and trials leading up to now has been the order of this week (including a birthday that initially started out loathesomely blah). I love to use Roots of Asia tarot and for weeks and weeks I kept getting the 10 of wands. H-e-a-v-y burdens. “you are over-doing it.” Duh, I do that! But, I usually let it crush me before I actually change things.  Not this time.

And the rains keep falling all over this world. Everything drips wet, pregnant with promise, a promise of deeper resilience in the moment whose guarantee is only of life’s transience. And immeasurable value.

On with it…(lighter load!!!)

(good luck Kristy!!!)

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Responses

  1. Ruthless? No. Ruth. Full of Ruth. Full of life. And wonder and interest and intrigue and a quest that may be ever changing but ever present.

    Trying to catch up. Your words are so deep and rich and I’m often left behind trying to run to catch up. Losing breathe, but then you come down to earth again and I realize in fact you’ve been there all the time.

    happy thanksgiving, my friend.

    • Ah HAAAA! That’s why my critical thinking instructor is scratching his head!!! ;0) Just kidding…kinda… I DO have good grades in his class but I think he’s tired of chasing me down from the sky to the ground I never left.

      So lovely to hear from you Gin. Thank you for such lavishing kindness.

      Happy Thanksgiving to you.
      Thankful for you….

  2. I was a non-traditional student a few years ago. I applaud your decision and completely understand that feeling of scrambling to make up for not being there sooner. Bliss sent me here for a different reason but I feel I have found something that is a larger part of my puzzle. Thank you for what you have put forth. It is bringing me another level of peace.

    • Jaymie…your encouragement and empathy is enormously appreciated. And thank you for stopping in to get a glance of my world. It’s early in the morning here for me and I’ve had just a second to peek at your beautiful blog. What a world of depth and wonder! I’m touched by your presence. I look forward to being able to sit longer and explore your musings. Peace…

  3. rich experience
    sandwiched in gorgeous life words
    on and on we go…

    Hello! WOW! Your writing is so beautiful! I love how You started us poetically, shared Your experience, and left us with such lovely words. I’m glad You have such support and love around You! Angels everywhere! I’m just sitting here smiling. Very cool, Your journey. Cheers and Namaste. :)

    • Thank you…life feels like poetry most of the time, it’s hard not to spill it.

      You always leave me smiling and appreciating your gift of seeing a person in the throes of life’s best. It’s lovely to have someone notice the pattern in my expression. And to be so encouraged.

      Hugs and warmth to you…

      • just saying hello
        and hoping things have smoothed out
        nibbled your first words

        Again! I love this:

        ‘a pale golden hue whispers stillness as the leaves paint their way to the ground’

        Sending You the Warmest Wishes! Thanks for Your beautiful words and Cheers and Namaste. :)

        • Thank you!! Big hugs to you… I’ve been drowning in the extra demands since I’m coming up on the end of the semester (finally!!). I keep sitting down to start a post here and something comes up. It’s wild. Thanks for checking in on me and caring.

          Warmth, peace, strength to you too…
          Namaste…
          R

  4. Oh. My. God. FIRST of all, time doesn’t exist, so stop pushing youself with this false pressure of TIME. ;) Second of all… FOUR classes?! RUTH! What were you thinking! I have no kids at all and I never take more than 2 classes at a time! I mean, we’re adults here! We can’t just hole up in a 10 x 10 room, eating mac n cheese from a box, and do nothing but study for that FOURTH class. Take it easy girlfriend, the journey’s the best part! And btw, I’m now in my 3rd week of Stats and thoroughly despising it. Your positive energy is just not attaching somehow… LOL

    • Grinning at your encouragement Kristy…thank you. MacnCheese in a box…definitely NOT my thing. I told myself that having every other weekend without kids would help me do the bigger load. Ha. I was wrong!!! I just finished my last presentation for my public speaking class so I’m essentially now down to 2 classes.

      Time…hmmm…I have said those very words myself but I wrestle with the world of aging and the cycles of life (time or no time, these things are real). But(!!!) I was glad to read your timely reminder ;0). I used to say “There is NO time.” I need to remember that. We develop a relationship “with” the concept of time and then we react against “time” and we end up in a vicious pointless cycle that turns out to be a total robbery of the moment (all in the interest of rescuing moments!!!).
      Love ya…
      R (Sorry you don’t like stats!! I hope your instructor is good!)

  5. I think I need to take a lesson from your book…or borrow those cards…

    • or both? ;0) not that i know what you’re talking about but it’s time for me to dive into your world of humor and real…maybe it will reveal the big secret. maybe you just have the same habit…? great to hear from you Jessica…


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