My day started with sorrow. Waves hit me sometimes. I roll and roil. Then I gather myself together and I move forward. I regroup, re-vision and grab hold of music, words to awaken the more productive elements (besides vulnerability) of resilience. One of my favorite songs lately is a Sheryl Crow song, not my usual fare. But the words resonate deeply into my past, boiling now and into the future… “oh, it’s only love…what if only love comes ’round again, it would have been worth the ride. you were master of so many, savior to none. i wished all of my hopes so plenty on you, now look what i’ve become. oh, it’s only love…what if only love comes ’round again, it would have been worth the ride.”
Life’s been tossing old ties back in my face and I can only look at myself. Who I was back then when I could only want what I wanted then. But I’m not that same person. The renewals slice both ways in their restoration of support. I’ve endured being misunderstood and maligned enough times to think my hide is tough enough but come at me with the recognition that you participated in wrongly shooting and wounding me and I fall apart. Huh? What? Wait, I was wired for enduring misunderstanding, for being seen as one thing when I’m another. I was wired for being shut out for no good reason. What’s this?! I got a letter almost a week ago and then another one from someone else and all I could do was fall apart. I’m “suffering” (and it does hurt, actually) a re-visioning, revision needful. Ruth, the understood, not the maligned. What created this?
So, I opened a book to see what love would say to me today after the tears and the renewal, the recognition of relationships no longer possible in spite of mutual understanding and those that seemed to be gone forever renewed but in a new place, revised by changed people. Hey, once I was an apostate in the eyes of one I cherished more than she even realized. But no more. It’s taking me some time to acclimate myself to the appreciation. It hurts. But it turns out that people do change. But it means they change their orientation of what is possible within and beyond. It means they let go of reliance on some bonds for sustenance and move on to those that honor who they’ve become “oh…look what I’ve become…what a ride…” Here’s what spoke to me from the random book opening foray:
“A person cannot choose to desire a certain kind of relationship, any more than he can will himself to ride a unicycle, play The Goldberg Variations, or speak Swahili. The requisite neural framework for performing these activities does not coalesce on command. A vigorous self-help movement has championed the hoax that a strong-willed person, outfitted with the proper directions, can select good relationships. Those seduced into the promise of a quick fix gobble it up. But the physiology of emotional life cannot be dispelled with a few words. Describing good relatedness to someone, no matter how precisely or how often, does not inscribe it into the neural networks that inspire love…
And yet, on a planet of six billion personalities colliding and meeting with the frenetic energy of infinitesimal molecules in their perpetual Brownian dance, the improbable is occasionally bound to occur. A person…can encounter another by chance who will teach himn what he needs to learn. The instructor fate provides, whether husband or wife, brother, sister, or friend, is often amiably unmoved by the other’s problematic emotional messages. Through the reach of their relationship and the utility of his relative imperviousness, he can gently and incrementally dissuade his student from headlong flight down paths that terminate in sorrow. Because of the tremendous variability in the configuration of human hearts and the randomness that throws people together, such felicitous combinations are as inevitable as they are precious. Against the odds, as it has since the beginning, life finds a way.” – A General Theory of Love (Lewis, M.D., Amini, M.D., Lannon, M.D.)
‘nough said. Except this…some sorrows are good for the heart, eh? Now for those wonderful collisions teaching love without betrayal…
J. Ruth Kelly 
I read this the other day and it evoked a deep sadness from my own past. I think anyone who has ever walked out into the light of “understanding” and had to walk away from past beliefs, or, may I say “grown”? risks the criticism of loved ones. That push and pull at one’s heart is probably the most difficult experience there is. I don’t know why it has to be this way. I think it is part and parcel of what we are here to learn. We do others no service by remaining something we no longer can be. It makes it no easier, though. Time and finding others who walk closer to your understanding will enter………and, at times, that space of time between seems ever so long.
Leslie…
………
drying my face. That kinship and understanding has magnified tremendously this year. I think the ghosts of the past are coming back to settle accounts, to see if I mean this change, really own it. And I do. So far, it’s ended in love. But the pain in the process is exacting. The deeper awareness of the mortality of my parents makes it no easier. Your presence and empathy are a gift.
oxo…
I saw your response on a post of Kristy’s and felt let to check this out. Your post ,with the the quoted paragraphs, is Exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you. Love conspires, indeed.
Teresa…I look forward to exploring your blog. Just a glimpse is rich. I can’t thank you enough for telling me this touched you. So many times I almost hit the delete button on my nudity here… “what if i’m perceived as whining?! i’m not whining…this is a process of awakening and growing and and and” such regression I encounter sometimes when opening up. But this is me and apparently I’m not alone. I love this conspiracy… and your sharing.
I always thought that I was immune to sorrow – until one day whilst listening to a Beverly Craven song entitled Memories – about her daughter, and how her memories will be formed by what the mother does today – and I found myself crying for my own daughter – who was fit and well and sitting beside me, but with special needs. And shockingly those same tears are welling now as I write this. Strange creatures – human beings.
Strange and precious. There’s a unique sorrow experienced when living with a special needs child. I know it well with my sister. Thanks for sharing…
In my mind I’m hugging you, and I feel very strongly that much beauty awaits you. But for now, I’m with you in spirit, hoping it gets easier.
xoxo Kristy
Thanks woman. Very much. I’ll take that hug! Some of us don’t get to walk away from past influences without being branded for a season (I’ve heard everything from it’s my fault two marriages ended – because I supported freedom from abuse and honesty in relating – to my being a very bad influence in general because not all my nieces and nephews are sold on Christianity. Apparently some of my family is damned because of me. As much as I don’t accept that, it sometimes grabs at my heart painfully.). It can be difficult to be reminded through reconciliation how you’ve been accused. One of the letters was really beautiful but it was like a balm on a burn, a very bad burn whose pain I’d begun to accept as normal. Then the balm: “oooowwwww…” I almost deleted this post but it’s relevant to the process of wakening and facing how much personal growth really does cost us sometimes. And I love how the universe spoke to me through the book so clearly and right to the heart of things. Love conspires.
I have that same strong feeling about what awaits me and this past week feels like closure, preparation. It just doesn’t always feel “good” going thru the work. Thank you soooo much for the affirmation and your comforting presence. oxoxo….R