Really. Blah. I’ve had an epiphany. It’s not a new one, if I can do that. If I can’t, oh well. It has happened. I’ve had a re-epiphany. That’s it. It went deeper. Here it is: I am responsible, yes. But, wow. There is this ancient agenda that has eaten up my energy for too long. One where I feel overly responsible. Some say it’s a female thing. I think that’s working in there too. But RESPONSIBLE has come to mean so many things that have no bearing on my accountability and yet, I hold me accountable. And it gets exploited. And exploited. And holy hell. No more. So, I was resting, feeling that word float up and up and realizing how much it played into previous relationships. And how much it weighed me down. And how much it is tied to the energy of the proverbial scapegoat.
I’ve not been a big fan of the laws of attraction but at the same time I’ve recognized they don’t much care whether I’m a fan of them or not. They turn out to be applicable. I dance with them for a season (this means I decide they’re valid, real and something to seriously “court.”) and then I stub my toe on something or someone gets cancer or CFS flares up so badly I’m ready to scream and I kick my suitor in the shins and run fast. I tell people, consistently, this one thing: “Anything I’ve feared for any length of time and heavily identified with as highly possible for myself comes true. It happens. It’s freaky.” Yeah, it is. Run, hide, beware. Not. I don’t think we can say that you get cancer as result of some law of attraction. Maybe we can, but I won’t stand up and say it. It’s not that simple and such a statement is arrogant, refusing awareness of the threads of influences finely woven into the fabric of our lives, our tribes.
But it’s true that if you believe you deserve certain types of treatment, they visit you in some form or fashion. The thing about beliefs is that they live with us for so long, we don’t discern them easily. I’ve known about this whole responsibility thing for a long time but how deeply it runs…? How pervasive? How much it drains my energy and stops me from being the kook I am, the risk-taker, the joke-maker, the prankster, the daring do-it-now woman…? How much it takes the joy out of living. Wow. Maybe I should declare a moratorium on that word for a season.
See, my friends are relentlessly refusing to hold me responsible for things I’m not responsible and it’s setting me free. It’s healing places long frozen in fear of blame, of failure.
I still feel the wonderful power of affirming value as I move forward. But wow…it’s not up to me to fix things, to protect people from their mistakes or to make them happy.
So, duh. Blah and ho hum for some. It’s not a newsflash but it’s going deeper here. Re-epiphanies rock…
jrk
J. Ruth Kelly 
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