A Disjointed Flow

For some reason today the inner silence deafens me, a soulful stillness disrupts my idea of myself as effective and threatens to disable an overloaded agenda. In spite of that fact I really must go ahead and do, and do much, feeling disjointed amongst the goings on. And on. I don’t really know exactly why every part of me feels halted as I move. Awaiting a renewed vision or just a new breath of fresh energy? And yet my world requires I keep moving. It could sound pathetic, depending on your perspective, but I think it’s just the next phase of disintegration that goes on every winter in my soul. I could hide. Sometimes I want to hide. Cover my head and ignore the world. Post old poetry since the creativity has disintegrated along with the inspiration. But it’s not what my deepest heart really wants. I want to reach out and remind myself that there is world and thriving beyond this stark inner silence, the crashed movement. It is the oddest arrangement of temporary wreck mixed with outbursts of children lavishing (and homework!). They reach into my stillness, bolster, carry and require. What a combination, this life.

my world rich

 

sons shine

silly great

 

So, all I can do today is say this is where I am. And… 

Thank you to the beautiful wave of kind commenting and generous presence. The wealth in my world endowed by those who are beautifully real shines brightly in my moving stillness here and encourages me in ways I can’t convey.

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12 thoughts on “A Disjointed Flow

  1. All I can do any day is to say this is where I am today.

    Winter inspires me with dreams of isolation too but I am such a social creature that it tears me in two different directions.

    Old poems and stories remind me of where I was and why today is so damn important.

    I am consumed presently with trying not to think of tomorrow as it becomes less certain with every passing day. A paradox? It would seem so but not really. Tomorrow by nature is 100% uncertain and yesterday is just a fangless ghost.

    Today is the only day that I have been given with which to work. Lord, help me not to screw it up too badly. 🙂

    help me in my unbelief.

    • or…i am all that i’ll ever be at this moment…(my sister’s words)
      (but sometimes i realllly need to be more than i am at this moment!!!)

      hmmm…i don’t have dreams of isolation…but i do experience isolation and sometimes am quite happy with it. other times, not so much.

      amen…old poems sometimes mean more today than they did when i first penned them.

      the more consumed we are with trying not to think of something the more we are thinking of it…sometimes i make appointments with my mind and set dates for thinking about certain things only at those set times. hmmm…i’ll have to differ with you on yesterday. sometimes the ghost has fangs and has bitten to the bone and the arm is in a splint and the leg is in a cast and the doctors bills are STILL overdue!!! ;0)

      yes…i second that one…help me in my unbelief.

      🙂 thanks for your wonderful presence and words here dr. spots.

        • for some it just depends on the process of grief or recovery unique to their lives and personality. and it can eventually come down to actually having a choice as to whether or not we get “bit.” but some folks will always walk with a limp. they do walk though!

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