Tick Tock Resolution

Tick tock, time/no-time rhyming out a rhythm through the cycles of life, ebbing, flowing, stalling, growing…

Some days are a weird stretch across an actual divide between now and later, between have and have not, between conflict and resolution, cause and effect. Today is just such a day and. I had a sense of this year last year. I felt something big and sweeping coming through that would be a bit of a tower experience (tarot tower) and not a great tower experience, not a wonderful disruption but one that would insist on things, in the long run, good things for me. And so it has been. No school currently allowed. No job currently allowed. None of it. Given the demands of total health crash, I’m in that place of complete Ruth retrieval and it’s a body-first layer. So, the day stretches out and I ponder the upcoming time alone, how I’ll use it to answer some questions, to plot out my path, a path commited to respecting a life unfolding in authenticity and not so much goal-centered but visionary, a life with intention.

Questions and thoughts run…

How do I respect my needs and meet needs in the upcoming stretch I view through tick tock slices of “reality” … the next three years?
In order to be there at that goal-location, to provide, to – at the very least – know that I’ve done what I can to be as effective as possible for myself and those who require my presence, I have to see things in a bit of a timeframe, what is needful NOW?
By then, this will be needed.
Given the state of things now, that won’t be possible.
Anything is possible but what is likely if things change versus if they don’t change?

And on and on. A field of avocado trees don’t usually just happen, a plot of tomatoes have their planning points. What are the crops, the fields, the murals, the lives influenced in the future and how is now pregnant or barren of those fruits?

These ponderings are vital. They honor desire and need. They provide a welcome spiritual space for ultimately physical/manifest change and for sobriety about change. They are the prelude to steps down, a bit precarious and difficult, down from the view at the top to the reality of earth and effect. And down I step…

With each step in my mind, I’m aware of resulting inevitable external changes. I cannot afford perpetual transcendence or constant storming for change especially when some of these steps are more difficult than others, more troublesome. Sometimes life does corner us and the way out takes time we didn’t want it to take. But as one much delayed this year, I cannot complain. What is growing within me is priceless, I cannot say that it would’ve come to me any other way, this growth. This has been a year of solidifying the internal landscape, not just revising education and career plans. Do I know where I’ll land with any certainty? No. But yes. The place within will remain solid, roots reach deeply…

and spring will thaw, melt away the blanket of rest.

There are layers to tend to when resolving, planning, scheming. As long as we determine what we cannot live without, those layers of daily unfolding that we, as unique creatures, must have in order to thrive, as long as we nurture those elements in our lives and rest/plan within that zone of fulfillment, we cannot ultimately be shaken off course. And if life tosses us a new set of directions, we’ll still hold to that basic layer of fulfillment. It can be as simple as insisting on certain daily rituals, feeding the soul with vistas and sounds or creative works. It can be as simple as routines that comfort or planned excursions that honor soul. These are things no change can usurp.

Beyond that, we plot a course more daring, risking and potentially rewarding. Buy the seeds, strengthen the arms, the legs, the heart, and clear the land with resolution…

On. With. It.