The Wild Flesh

Clarissa Pinkola-Estes has been inspiring my world here again lately. This particular passage of truth nourishes, reminding me why it’s so vital to stay in touch with joyful in-skin, in-flesh awareness and what she beautifully refers to as “Joyous Body: Wild Flesh” in her book “Women Who…” The following is taken from page 200 of her epic work:

“In the instinctive psyche, the body is considered a sensor, an informational network, a messenger with myriad communication systems–cardiovascular, respiratory, skeletal, autonomic, as well as emotive and intuitive. In the imaginal world, the body is a powerful vehicle, a spirit who lives with us, a prayer of life in its own right. In fairy tales, as personified by magical objects that have superhuman qualities and abilities, the body is considered to have two sets of ears, one for hearing in the mundane world, the other for hearing the soul; two sets of eyes, one set for regular vision, another for far-seeing; two kinds of strength, the strength of the muscles and the invincible strength of soul. The list of twos about the body goes on…

hearing the soul

 …The body uses its skin and deeper fascia and flesh to record all that goes on around it. Like the Rosetta stone, for those who know how to read it, the body is a living record of life given, life taken, life hoped for, life healed. It is valued for its articulate ability to register immediate reaction, to feel profoundly, to sense ahead.

The body is a multilingual being. It speaks through its color and its temperance, the flush of recognition, the glow of love, the ash of pain, the heat of arousal, the coldness of nonconviction. It speaks through its constant tiny dance, sometimes swaying, sometimes a-jitter, sometimes trembling. It speaks through the leaping of the heart, the falling of the spirit, the pit at the center, and rising hope.

The body remembers, the bones remember, the joints remember, even the little finger remembers. Memory is lodged in pictures and feelings in the cells themselves. Like a sponge filled with water, anywhere the press is fleshed, wrung, even touched lightly, a memory may flow out in a stream.

vital, responsive, enduring...

To confine the beauty and value of the body to anything less than this magnificence is to force the body to live without its rightful spirit, its rightful form, its right to exultation. To be thought ugly or unacceptable because one’s beauty is outside the current fashion is deeply wounding to the natural joy that belongs to the wild nature. Women have good reason to refute psychological and physical standards that are injurious to spirit and which sever relationship with the wild soul. It is clear that the instinctive nature of women values body and spirit far more for their ability to be vital, responsive, and enduring than by any measure of appearance.”

—

We so often endure a spiritual tyranny of messages bombarding what could be the experience of wildness, of the unashamed, fearless flesh of skin and spirit. Media, historical decrees from decades gone but their crippling hum sometimes conjured by a familiar event…all of it stirring up the psyche, asking us to tune into the drumbeat below the myriad layers of possible attitudes about the body, about the body’s own intelligence, to tap into a rhythm of whole person acceptance, body, skin, warts, glow. All. Of. Self.

I’ve been aware lately, more than usual, of past messages that filtered through to me in particular. Long skirt for covering the “woman’s body” and no real clarity as to why, what was wrong with me that required I cover up? I saw a woman yesterday with her long skirt, her long braid, her chosen path, grey hairs streaking their own song of meaning. I struggled to accept it. Not her, but the cloaking uniform of adherence to creed, the inadvertant highlighting of her frame in the attempt to cover. I struggle, one part of me in the woods naked and the other part understanding, knowing why we choose our creeds, why we adhere to some religious views. No one path is all good, or all bad. But I wonder at the messages we swallow from such tender ages. What do we want and do we even know? Are our wants even our wants? Did that woman ever have a chance to know her own true desires or did the creeds form her like they sought to form me from a tender age? I have some distinct views on this posing as questions here. I’m trying hard to just dance around the bush. But the truth is, there’s no turning back for her or for me and yet our paths have gone long and winding differently down two opposing trails of meaning. Both are precious in their attempts to treasure what is vital.

So, what of it? I shook away my concern for her and walked away. Past the memories haunting and humming in my own body’s record of historical touch, growth, dance. The activities of my world write their own new stories on my being, even in and on my body, never erasing what was but scribing anew, the ink-jive of their words on the wellspring of soul whisper deep into every one of my fields, spilling seeds of newness, conjuring up that contrasting lush against the backdrop of a desert past.

spirit scene

This is what we can do with the magick of the wild flesh. We gift ourselves with sometimes polar pulses pounding out a new song, a life beyond ruins and into healing as we reach out into life with awareness, with an instinctive sense of our massive power to heal what we desire to heal within and beyond our own wild flesh. Bit by bit, layer by layer we undo the worst of the messages and incorporate those vibrations, those declarations most alive with truth, with awareness, forming -as best we can- desires in accord with the fearless (but wise) soul. Who am I beyond that fear that formed my reaction to life back there around the bend when I declared it my job to protect what was important to _____ (insert person’s name here or whatever applies)? How much has it woven itself into my being, doing, living? What if, what if we can transform motives into something that honors the wild flesh of humanity without fear, without indifference?

Seed

Your warmth whispers to the core nestled here and sometimes I fear will never shine me to the heights. . .

Seed's Reach
Person/Seed Manifest Again And...

Days I drown in moist and soaking seep, permeating all the dreams asleep, 

feeding notions of motion dancing in fleeting caresses warm, cool, cold, wet, frozen, hot, so hot…why do I know these that I do not know? 

I do not know dark or light or sight but smell and taste and well, oh well, oh well, oh well…but still…this humming recognition of what I do not know bespeaks so much 

straining, straining in my core is the knowing what is not known because somewhere back there on a hill I knew and grew taller for decades, surpassing the oldest man in town and sinking more deeply into all that buries me now, shelters and haunts of nothing else but darkest nourishing all around, fleeting sensations of warm,  

warm,  

warm echoes of radiance bringing me to green…but this, this is now, this burial shroud speaking back the glory clouds and birthing me to the death of this place, of this no face. 

And all this, all this soaking speaking permeation is all  

except  

your warmth whispers and calls, stirs my need, all that is me and drowns my days 

in night I would not know had I not known you once before. 

jrk © 2006, 2010

New Year Naked

These songs resonate lately. Much roils and rumbles in my core, washing up on the shoreline of my thoughts, leaving me lost on where to begin, which detail do I pick up first and what do I do? It’s time for big change.

“We’re all lost. We’re all found. We’re all the same.
Just one heart beats in us, with different names.
Just one heart, with different names.

Hold me inside you…” (Vertical Horizon)

“…me, I figure as each breath goes by, I only own my mind.
The north is to south what the clock is to time
there’s east and there’s west and there’s eveywhere life
I know I was born and I know that I’ll die.
The in-between is mine, I am mine…
The full moon is looking for friends at high tide.
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow’s denied…” (Pearl Jam)

AND this one line, over and over and over…

“Tidal waves don’t beg forgiveness, crashed and on their way…
Nature has its own religion, gospel from the land.
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend.
Old men comprehend…” (Pearl Jam)

And this one…

“You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
one storm can come and blow it all away, build it anyway.” (Martina McBride)

The bold lines are the ones that ruthlessly dog me, nipping at the heels of my retreat from myself. When this kind of stash and crash of tides and words, songs and impressions haunt my world, I know life is trying to get through to me, pushing past the rationalizing and over-analyzing and doubt. But I’m hard-headed. I roll the eyes and throw my hands up in the air with frustration. There’s so damn much to climb still. Why should I check back in with myself? So, I purchased my Brezsny forecast. Love is on the ticket for me this year and just when I’ve declared I’m not going in that direction in my heart, made peace with life without the great big love, the one we all long for and some of us actually experience (I mean marriage/partnership/whatever you call it). There it is. Love, baby. Whatever. I’ve been getting the lovers card in tarot. Over and over and over. I think of union within, the much-needed marriage of opposing forces in my soul and and and. It keeps coming back down to my coming home to me. Everything else can come find me as I reach out to life in love as love for love love love. Including that grandest of loves love.

To top it off, someone keeps clicking on my la-loba posts. Over and over. Where is my la loba? I need the songs of the old woman, unearthing the bones and singing life into the wolfish best of me. Where is she? I feel her within and in my closest friendships. My mate, the woman-friend who is the air in the lungs, the man I would’ve married if she were a man spoke huge words of exhortatation to me yesterday. (Everyone should have such a friend. Wow. She’s the one I can tell all the nasty stuff and the great stuff too. She’s the witness of my sorrows and dreams. She’s the one who helps me brave the dating scene, shaking her head or giving a thumbs up at the prospective male suitors and oftentimes holding up a higher standard when I’m full of shite.) We sat and wept together over what life is showing us. They were good tears of healing. I should’ve felt like leaping tall buildings but something within me resists this last great push. (okay, on this current TRAIL…the last great push…and then the next and) I’m down. Not depressed. Pushed down by some tides and just sitting in the hermit’s cave. Brewing, humming. Somewhere there’s a song that sings every layer of restoration.

One book I’d rather never lose found me again. Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet adds words to the brew:

“The girl and the woman, in their new, their own unfolding, will but in passing be imitators of masculine ways, good and bad, and repeaters of masculine professions. After the uncertainty of such transitions it will become apparent that women were only going through the profusion and vicissitude of those (often ridiculous) disguises in order to cleanse their own most characteristic nature of the distorting influences of the other sex. Women, in whom life lingers and dwells more immediately, more fruitfully and more confidently, must surely have become fundamentally riper people, more human people, than easygoing man, who is not pulled down below the surface of life by the weight of any fruit of his body, and who, presumptuous and hasty, undervalues what he thinks he loves. This humanity of woman, borne its full time…will come to light when she will have stripped off the conventions of mere femininity in the mutations of her outward status, and those men who do not yet feel it approaching today will be surprised and struck by it. Some day…some day there will be girls and women whose name will no longer signify merely an opposite of the masculine, but something in itself, something that makes one think, not of any complement and limit, but only of life and existence: the feminine human being…This advance…will change the love experience, which is now full of error, will alter it from the ground up, reshape it into a relation that is meant to be of one human being to another, no longer of man to woman. And this more human love (that will fulfill itself, infinitely considerate and geintle, and kind and clear in binding and releasing) will resemble that which we are preparing with struggle and toil, the love that consists in this, that two solitudes protect and border and salute each other.”

I type that out and see the image of the two loves in Avatar (the movie, yes, i love it). She’s insisting he go, leave their world. She stands there on the root of an amazing tree and says “You have big heart….” (in explanation of why she didn’t leave him to be killed by the wilder animals of her forest) and then she gets in his face, opening her hand and pushing out in his direction “but STUPID! Stupid!” She meant that he did not see, that he did not know the earth or life without the egotistical reach of “knowledge,” that he did not value even those animals who had tried to kill him. I can relate to that reaction. I’d rather run and hide amongst the trees. But that stupid one is in me too. “I” get it all figured out and that knowledge piecemeals and divides my wise soul, strips the trees away and “experts” me to death. I just “know.” Haaaaaa….big heart but STUPID. But deeper words chase me, the parts of me not stupid perk up and listen.

Life Living
jRuth Kelly - Copyright 2009, 2010

The conversation of yesterday led me to the heart of the woods, to that part of me ancient. It’s time to build again. I find the pieces of the songs come together in that one Rilke spill. And he doesn’t leave the ground out. FROM THE GROUND…UP. The spiritual me is the grounded me, the citizen of earth…long exiled. When you’ve had deeply spiritual and even “mystical” experiences within Christianity and then walk away from almost all the parts that anchored you…where do you put the spiritual one within? I’ve shoved her in a corner, disgusted with the alternatives, the groupie gropings of masses finding so much “spirituality” like the latest trend or candy and spitting out “knowledge” without intimacy of the roots. Ohm ohm…no need to own just ohm ohm. But I don’t mince words or have some snobby nasty ideals. (forgive me, but i want to know people who can articulate why they believe what they believe and know why they embrace certain spiritual paths and if they don’t know then they don’t pretend to know or be expert) So I content myself with roiling in the corner, shoving that part of me into hiding. But friends find me and speak of Spirit while soulmates (there is not just ONE of those, by the way) haunt me with their truths. “Stay wild.” Relentless, that tide.

It’s time to assimilate, incorporate and let go. As we keep building on the solitude of our personal truths and needs, the internal rift heals, the outward manifestation reveals and somehow that spiritually mature human creature builds. The songs and their pieces form a tapestry of meaning, stripping away the fig leaves of my “knowledge,” guiding me to the tree of life. 

On with it…

“A Thousand Yins and Yangs”

Thomas Moore, from his book, Dark Nights of the Soul, says:

“You may get to the point where you realize that if you want happiness, you have to accept profoundly and honestly the sadness that waits at every turn. Every decision for happiness will get you in trouble, and your occasional courageous forays into the dark will likely give you a taste of heaven. Opposites weave back and forth into each other, like a thousand yins and yangs interpenetrating.”

I’ve been pulling back and observing things lately. That includes observing my moods and waves of upset, of bliss. This has been a tumultuous time. My whole being is trying to find equilibrium in a new world. Everything is different. My children are responding differently to the divorce than they were even 6 months ago, responding differently to me, to our relationship. One of my sons is finally coming into a more expressive phase in his unfolding and the demands in general have gone from plenty to surreally plenty. The way I put myself out into the world around me has changed. And apparently this is my week for rage. The cauldron is turned upside down, further removal of stagnating stuff.

It’s a bit much. But I find Moore’s words right on time, right when I despaired of the thousand yins and yangs weaving back and forth in my own soul. The trick is not to despair. Not that it means eternal bliss. It just means you can be with yourself in more comprehensive acceptance and objectivity that does not lose the subjective soulful perspective of self. It can seem like a tangle ’til you pull back and take a long look.

I got this book of Moore’s earlier this year and had to put it down. The affirmation hurt too much. It haunted and confirmed things I had been second-guessing in my soul. Self-doubt melted on levels that required a tremendous level of adjustment. I suppose it was a bit much wine in wineskins fresh from the work of weaving new threads into the old layers, readying me for a versatility supreme. But I’m able to read it more these days in all that spare time I have so little of.

I like this perspective of what happens when we get so close to the interworkings of the soul:

Lost In Focus
Lost In Focus

But then a kind word, a reminder from a wise soul or the patterns of life’s changing tides pull us back, scoop us up and draw us out to a broader view and we see:

A Tapestry of Love's Constant Weave
A Tapestry of Love’s Constant Weave

There’s a greater work going on in the fabric of our lives.

On…

with…

it…

And Yet, It Is Essential (Emotion) . . .

“Our work is to show we have been breathed upon — to show it, give it out, sing it out, to live out in the topside world what we have received through our sudden knowings, from body, from dreams and journeys of all sorts.”

Women Who…Estes, Ph.D.

I like this quote because it combines the inspiration of our emotions with the action of our intentions and doesn’t even once skip the bonds of love that require no emotion to be “real.”

A full day to do…on…with…it…

jrk

One Didn’t Need Emotion

C.S. Lewis had an experience after the death of his wife described beautifully below. In it he details what I have experienced with some people in my life, experienced from a significant distance, a connectedness, a sense of being united though distinctly apart. My own experiences and this one thus described by Lewis with his deceased wife tell me we have much to learn about the connectedness of humanity as love and in love. It tells me we know so much with our language-dependent minds, we know so much that we have become ignorant where we need most to know intimately. We are dumbed-down by our reliance on more seemingly rational modes of connecting and communicating. And what follows hopefully describes what I mean here:

“It’s the quality of last night’s experience—not what it proves but what it was—that makes it worth putting down. It was quite incredibly unemotional. Just the impression of her mind momentarily facing my own. Mind, not ‘soul’ as we tend to think of soul. Certainly the reverse of what is called ‘soulful.’ Not at all like a rapturous reunion of lovers. Much more like getting a telephone call or a wire from her about some practical arrangement. Not that there was any ‘message’ –just intelligence and attention. No sense of joy or sorrow. No love even, in our ordinary sense. No un-love. I had never in any mood imagined the dead as being so—well, so business-like. Yet there was an extreme and cheerful intimacy. An intimacy that had not passed through the sense or the emotions at all.

If this was a throw-up from my unconscious, then my unconscious must be a far more interesting region than the depth psychologists have led me to expect. For one thing, it is apparently much less primitive than my consciousness.

Wherever it came from, it has made a sort of spring cleaning in my mind. The dead could be like that; sheer intellects. A Greek philosopher wouldn’t have been surprised at an experience like mine. He would have expected that if anything of us remained after death it would be just that. Up to now this always seemed to me a most arid and chilling idea. The absence of emotion repelled me. But in this contact (whether real or apparent) it didn’t do anything of the sort. One didn’t need emotion. The intimacy was complete—sharply bracing and restorative too—without it. Can that intimacy be love itself—always in this life attended with emotion, not because it is itself an emotion, or needs an attendant emotion, but because our animal souls, our nervous systems, our imaginations, have to respond to it in that way? If so, how many preconceptions I must scrap! A society, a communion, of pure intelligences would not be cold, drab and comfortless. On the other hand it wouldn’t be very like what people usually mean when they use such words as ‘spiritual,’ or ‘mystical,’ or ‘holy.’ It would, if I have had a glimpse, be—well, I’m almost scared at the adjectives I’d have to use. Brisk? cheerful? keen? alert? intense? wide-awake? Above all, solid. Utterly reliable. Firm. There is no nonsense about the dead. … What seemed to meet me was full of resolution.”

C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed

And there need be no nonsense about the alive, except the most seriously fun kind. What of this connection, this intimacy that could be love itself and that needs no words? Just how much do we actually know? And how much more alive would we be, more connected as thus described by Lewis and by my own experiences if we recognized that awareness and knowledge are two very different realities? Which one breathes the essence of intellect/soul into all we do and be? Which one grasps at an object and begs to retrieve what is already within? Awareness seems to be the step up from knowledge but doesn’t even require it. How much more potent the awareness when it is enriched by enlivened knowing?

Full of questions, no? What of emotion? How does it fit into resolution? The thing about emotion is that it takes us places, provokes, inspires to change, to choose and yet love is something independent of emotion. And it is profoundly connected to our intellect/intellgence in action. But now I ramble…

There’s more to know deeply, more to unity in love than we’ve begun to recognize. If we can get past the trap of thinking that the heights of rapturous emotion are the route to union and love, we’ll find a deeply feeling experience of ourselves as love and begin to connect to Source and to humanity on revolutionizing levels. We’ll make those connections that truly sustain.

On with it…

jruthkelly © 2008, 2009

Schoolgirl?!

My words are being used for classes drowning me in homework, essay preps and speeches down the road. Day two and I’ve spent an hour and a half running through the exercises for my Critical Thinking class.

Whose Logic?!
Whose Logic?!

I know it’s basic. But it takes time I had been using elsewhere. I find my creative flow is used up when I sit down to blog. Og og og… But I’m loving Fromm in my mini-breaks from homework (I love homework. Been doing it for over 2 decades but only within the constraints of my personal dictates.). He puts Freud in proper perspective and love in a place that is accessible, solid and without illusion. Not for the faint-hearted and a sure cure for narcissistic distortions.

So, since I’ve got to next focus on what I see unfolding for me in my Public Speaking class, Western World Lit – Advanced (omg, killing me after years of falling in love with the mind of the East) and Statistics, I’m tossing Fromm quotes on the table for “fun.” These are speaking to me lately since I tend to rant about love and quote greats on love and nowhere do I try to identify what it is (as if! cough…). I see, know and experience love on spiritual levels that play out on the solid physical planes of existence and my ability to put it into words that adequately conveys is lacking. I tend to go off on poetic rambles useful only to myself. Fromm, on the other hand, has mastered the best definition I have yet to find or create. To start with, he slices and dices at what love is NOT:

“Automatons cannot love; they can exchange their ‘personality packages’ and hope for a fair bargain.”

“Love is not the result of adequate sexual satisfaction, but sexual happiness–even the knowlede of the so-called sexual technique–is the result of love…The study of the most frequent sexual problems…shows that the cause does not lie in a lack of knowledge of the right technique, but in the inhibitions which make it impossible to love.”

“Love as mutual sexual satisfaction, and love as ‘teamwork’ and as a haven from aloneness, are the two ‘normal’ forms of the disintegration of love in modern Western society, the socially patterned pathology of love.”

“Another form of pseudo-love is what may be called ‘sentimental love.’ Its essence lies in the fact that love is experienced only in phantasy and not in the here-and-now relationship to another person who is real…As long as love is a daydream, they [lovers/partners] can participate; as soon as it comes down to the reality of the relationship between two real people–they are frozen.”

And here’s my favorite identification of what love IS:

“Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other from the center of their existence, hence if each one of them experiences himself from the center of his existence. Only in this ‘central experience’ is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love.

Dress Me In Yellow, Oh
Dress Me In Yellow, Oh

Love, experienced thus, is a constant challenge; it is not a resting place[!!!], but a moving, growing, working together; even whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness, is secondary to the fundamental fact that two people experience themselves from the essence of their existence, that they are one with each other by being one with themselves [emphasis mine], rather than by fleeing from themselves. There is only one proof for the presence of love: the depth of the relationship, and the aliveness and strength in each person concerned; this is the fruit by which love is recognized.”

These all come from Fromm’s awesome book, The Art of Loving. And I’ve likely already put it on this blog. Maybe not. But it’s worth embracing, revolutionizing a life intent on knowing and being known in love, as love, for love, by love…you get it.

jrk

Vital Visual . . .

River's Winding Roll Down Below
River’s Winding Roll Down Below

While in Georgia visiting family and friends, my sister, children, nephew and I travelled to our favorite Tallulah River spot. We got there just in time for the rains. It was a first for us, to get there and be rained out. But we changed our agenda and ventured away from the typical routine, ending up at Tallulah Gorge in a great store with the perfect lookout spot.

Tallulah’s my place. It’s where my ashes will flow, where my heart sings and my spirit finds deep resonance with the Divine, with a vibrant vitality indestructible.

Fromm Feasts On Reasonable Faith . . .

. . . faith in the evidence of humanity’s consistent (not denying the presence of tumult, of fatal error, of ugly flaws) efforts to find the most effective expressions of love and all the bumps along the way, all the faulty notions of love melting in the heat of failures horrific whose edges brutally eliminate illusions and distortions of love. Love as something other than a trumped-up scam of exploitation and manipulation. Love as something whispering of the value of every pulse of human experience, of all those ideals that support that very value, of all that supports, nurtures and defends the preciousness of one life and one life’s right to autonomous expression in harmony with the earth.

From his book “The Art of Loving” Erich Fromm speaks:

     “I am of the conviction that the answer of the absolute incompatibility of love and ‘normal’ life is correct only in an abstract sense. The principle underlying capitalistic society and the principle of love are incompatible. But modern society seen concretely is a complex phenomenon. A salesman of a useless commodity, for instance, cannot function economically without lying; a skilled worker, a chemist, or  physician can. Similarly, a farmer, a worker, a teacher, and many a type of businessman can try to practice love without ceasing to function economically. Even if one recognizes the principle of capitalism as being incompatible with the principle of love, one must admit that ‘capitalism’ is in itself a complex and constantly changing structure which still permits of a good deal of non-conformity and of personal latitude.

     In saying this, however, I do not wish to imply that we can expect the present social system to continue indefinitely, and at the same time to hope for the realization of the ideal of love for one’s brother. People capable of love, under the present system, are necessarily exceptions; love is by necessity a marginal phenomenon in present-day Western society. Not so much because many occupations would not permit of a loving attitude, but because the spirit of a production-centered, commodity-greedy society is such that only the non-conformist can defend himself successfully against it. Those who are seriously concerned with love as the only rational answer to the problem of human existence must, then, arrive at the conclusion that important and radical changes in our social structure are necessary, if love is to become a social and not a highly individualistic, marginal phenomenon…Our society is run by a managerial bureaucracy, by professional politicians; people are motivated by mass suggestion, their aim is producing more and consuming more, as purposes in themselves. All activities are subordinated to economic goals, means have become ends; man is an automaton–well fed, well clad, but without any ultimate concern for that which is peculiarly human quality and function. If man is to be able to love, he must be put in his supreme place. The economic machine must serve him, rather than he serve it. He must be enabled to share experience, to share work, rather than, at best, share in profits. Society must be organized in such a way that man’s social, loving nature is not separated from his social existence, but becomes one with it. If it is true, as I have tried to show, that love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence, then any society which excludes, relatively, the development of love, must in the long run perish of its own contradiction with the basic necessities of human nature. Indeed, to speak of love is not ‘preaching,’ for the simple reason that it means to speak of the ultimate and real need in every human being. That this need has been obscured does not mean that it does not exist. To analyze the nature of love is to discover its general absence today and to criticize the social conditions which are responsible for this absence. To have faith in the possibility of love as a social and not only exceptional-individual phenomenon, is a rational faith based on the insight into the very nature of man.”

And here we have the only and best reasonable faith. And it encompasses all the expressions of the human condition,  the very best of those expressions: the ones free of fear.

Erich Fromm is probably my biggest hero of the soul. I’d love to go back in time and beg he find a way to make sure his legacy heal our world today. But as it turns out, the legacy is ancient and hard-wired into the marrow of what it is to be human. We’re truly capable of making love, no matter our ethnicity, our citizenry or our spiritual proclivities. The river of a sustenance eternal, defying every exclusive claim by philosophical and religious dogma, flows through the soul of humanity.  We’re long overdue on the only worthwhile restoration. . .

There Is A River . . .
There Is A River . . .

Open Doors, College and The God-Gut

Yesterday a man knocked on my door. I’d seen him going door to door in my neighborhood. I’d noted, impressed with his great greeting etiquette, that he rang the doorbell and immediately stepped off my neighbor’s front porch, waiting well out of reach of the door. It’s a pet peeve of mine, the whole door dumbness routine. You don’t knock on my door, a total stranger, and then stand smack up against the safety zone of the door as I open it to say “hello,” making a crowded and awkward collision of intention. If you know consideration, if you know thoughtfulness, you stand back and well out of the way and you show yourself fully from a distance appropriate. You give space. You make it clear that you respect a person’s home and the obviousness of your status as completely unknown. (But I’m not at all opinionated about this.) In any case, you’re doing well to get me to come to the door at all if I don’t know you. I have the same attitude about telephones. This guy had my attention. His body language was confident but something. I couldn’t pin it down. He didn’t have the dress or demeanor of a salesman. He looked like he was declaring something and his aura, his energy communicated something noble. Can a person look noble from a distance? So it seems. But I was curious. So, when my doorbell rang I chose not to pretend to be unavailable. I wanted to see if his greeting stance would be consistent.

He waited well within range of my vision. I was impressed, wanting to ask him to give lessons to all doorbell hopefuls. I noted as I opened the door that a family van was parked in front of my home. He introduced himself and let me know he and his wife, who was waiting in the van, had been laid off from their jobs. “Is there any work we can do for whatever you might be able to give? We could paint your house number on the curb.” I asked how much he would charge, thinking it a cool coincidence that I’d just noted the lack of a house number on the curb, once again, the same morning, wishing for an easy solution. “We’ll take whatever…$10? We’re hurting.” “Well, $10 is all I have actually and that’ll be great. Thank you.” He was amazed, his head doing that shocked jerk heads do when they’re about to turn away and go down the sidewalk with a frustrated body to the next house. His wife was amazed. I was thrilled.

The previous week I’d felt “led” to get $10 cash out. I’m paying attention to my intuition more than ever. A couple times I had opportunities to burn through the cash. But my gut said no. So, no. When he said “$10” my gut said “yes!” Sounds silly. But I don’t have cash on hand around here. Cash has a way of evaporating, proving the old adage about pennies saved and earned and not doing much for college funds or paint for house numbers on a curb. Oh wait…

Why bring this up? Why share? Why does it even matter, this whole “led” thing? It was such a wonderful feeling, to realize I’d opened the door in my heart before I opened the door literally. When I saved the $10, I was preparing for that moment without any truly logical proof of a great reason to do so. Intuition is such nourishing goodness. It, when carried through on the wings of “happenstance,” fills the soul with appreciation, thankfulness. Intuition thrives on hope and hope thrives sometimes when it makes very little sense. We all need hope. And courage. Courage to risk the seeming loss of face for trusting a process that has no hard and fast guarantees.

Knock on doors? Ask if you can do any house or yard work? Go door to door in your Dodge Caravan and point to your wife and stand there and declare beautifully your need? Get $10 out for a gut feeling and hoard it like some old maid miser? I don’t do cash. I don’t do old maid miser. Do I? Say it isn’t so. No, it isn’t. If cash sits stashed in my purse, it’s gone as soon as a child has a wish. And that is often and fun!

But I have my house number on the curb now. Had I not had the $10, I wouldn’t. Had I not noted the sense of being “led” it would’ve been gone by the time my doorbell rang. And he’d not have had a surprising $10 moment. Besides, I found another dollar. He and his wife got $11 for the work. I wanted to give them a meal and jobs. You know what I appreciated more than numbers on a curb? The brief conversing with the couple, the firm handshake and receiving a verbal blessing: “God bless you.” I’ll take God’s blessing any day.

That’s the other thing. Much like an odd appearance on my front step complete with thoughtful regard for my boundaries, I’m discovering the emergence in my soul of a new appreciation for the mother and father heart of God, a God I began to give up on 10 years ago. I don’t really know this God though. S/he is not insisting on any religion or proof of existence. She wants to iron out details and make things new and paint numbers out of the blue. He wants to affirm hope and make a way where there seems not to be one.

My gut is telling me the timing couldn’t be better. And it was a perfect prelude to my walk across campus to pay, in person, for the fall semester of my second year of college at the age of 41. A 22 year gap in education (formal, that is!) found tremendous renewal today. There was no way I was going to do the payment over the phone. This had to be done in person, with son by my side. I wasn’t going to NOT go to school this fall though every fact and figure said otherwise. As it turns out, life responded with timely provision – just enough and at just the right moment.

I like details. And I like how life affirms us when we decide to dance with hope and courage. It births a nobility in the mean streets of loss and opens doors for all of us.