Freak Fest…
I’m still spinning, catapulting into my world, the last whirlwind trashing all the pretty boxes with their topses on the shelves in my mind. Wheeee….
This year has stunk so far. No, I’m not complaining or being negative. It’s a fact. Period. A stinkin’ fact. It has had some beautiful moments and days and and and. Yes. All the good stuff that makes the heart sing right in there with a ridiculous onslaught of flotsam, jetsam and madness posing some notion of sanity.
Instead of smashing me into a corner I’m finding this ancient fury hurling some revolutionary song from a layer long lost. Time to march, sister. Time to stop ignoring your own lil freak-drum…
“When you speak, sing, write, dance, muse & move to the beat of your invisible freak-drum—impeccably, messily, off-key or on-point —-you grant heroic permission. You crack every ceiling. You strike awe & hit home. You move people to share their own incandescent awesomery.” ~ Alexandra Franzen
Gem found on Rebelle Society, of course. Where else? It shines out, shouting something at my reeling, raw heart. I couldn’t just post it. It evoked. Resonated. Reverberated and highlighted the effect of whirlwinds and spit sins (dunno what those are but it came out of me).
Spit sins. Spit sins are words and words piled up high, towering over a person, leaving this ick sheen behind, a sort of deceitful mess-mass suggesting action but never doing anything actually. In fact, they’re about as useful as spit and that’s a sin since they don’t feed the life of the soul with actual substance and action and.
And.
Spit sins.
We’ll see where next the whirlwind sends…
me.
Spread the Love!
Not Your Business…
“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it.
“It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.”
Quote by biographer Agnes de Mille in “Martha: The Life and Work of Martha Graham”
The world experienced a unique expression of vitality in the active life of someone I loved from a young age. And sometimes I circle ’round and ’round the conundrum in my mind created by the somewhat immature conflict over why it is I can be so very glad he did what he did when I don’t share in the basic premise of his beliefs, that we have all sinned and fallen short. But I land on this quote and find the conundrum is only in my mind.
The soul makes sense no rational thought can fully comprehend.
The one who had such a profound effect on many, and died this past Friday, was very much a “Christ-in-you,” highly religious person but oftentimes with an undercurrent of Zen flow. John was more like a highly believing inspiration. And it was a challenge to fathom that combination of Zen Christ-likeness. And in retrospect, I cannot fathom except through this quote.
“There is a vitality. A life force. A quickening.”
And in this one man, it was contagious. It came through and was received by many as a call to Christ. And when I walked away from what I had embraced of the semi-fundie world I formerly resided, that which came through was not completely lost. Love remained. Acceptance remained. The same soulful transaction took place but my “receptors” had changed. This is not true of everyone I’ve encountered from my past life. Their channels are clogged with judgement and fear. His were not.
We often, if not always, translate who we are by the sometimes ancient, sometimes recent code of dependency, particularly dependency on beliefs or thoughts we are either intentionally or unintentionally embracing. And in that translation, the world either rejects or embraces us. Or is ambivalent. John mostly experienced hearty acceptance and he embodied what is best known of Christ, beyond the ultimate sacrifice. He loved regardless of ________.
I have no stomach for sin-fixation or a basic premise of need for a savior. But in the celebration of John’s life, the undeniable reality shines through all the confusing mental riddles. He translated the life force we all partake of and that translation imparted hope, strength, a desire to live outside of fear and in love. Both in and out of the realms of semi-fundie confusion. He said often “You are the Your Name Here expression of Jesus.” And many were blown away by it. It set aside the “WWJD” fixation and required a personal expression of Christ. In my view, both in and out of that particular flavor of Christianity, it is the purest form of Christian practice, evoking the highest possible walk of integrity within the structure of that religion and it has my high regard.
And so today I came across this quote again from a source supreme. And I found peace in the words not because they solved the riddle as much as because they pointed me to the reality of soul, of life force and of how it is we can receive the best from those we may not totally agree with and we can receive because there is that life force nourishing us within and beyond all belief systems.
“Keep the channel open.” He was able to keep the channel open through his faith in Christ. And not many, in and out of Christianity, have found a way to keep that channel open. His life and passing into the next grand adventure reminds me that we don’t know what we think we know. “Christianity is bad because it…” The truth is, when we are sick within, whatever we embrace will be corrupted by that sickness until we face it, heal it and translate life anew. Whether we’re heavy into our atheism or our religion or…
Keep the channel open…accept who you are without denying how you’ve fallen short (we all do, whether we believe there’s this thing called “sin” or not) and…
stay in love.
Spread the Love!
Awake, Alive, Aware…
“I wish for you discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships so that you will live deep in your heart.
May you be blessed with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation so that you will work for justice, equity, and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer so that you will reach out your hands to comfort them and change their pain into joy.
And may you have the foolishness to think that you can make a difference in the world, so that you will do the things others tell you cannot be done.”
Peter Lee
Spread the Love!
Bounty Hunt
We live in a world filled with seeming contradictions of purpose, of love, of artistry. And if we don’t experience enough of the stuff of victory, of affection, of vision-brewing-love, we adopt a stance of defensiveness, braced against loss.
(Can anyone tread water while bracing body against loss in liquid yum?
Or won’t we sink like the stone we become?
Lungs filling up with this overwhelm of something meant to nourish,
killing all the love-air.)
In a world like this one, we must develop the practice of bounty-hunting, the best kind…the kind of bounty overflowing stories of love in spite of loss, hope in the face of challenge, meaning beyond accolades and set rewards for fleeting achievements. And the only bounty on our heads a priceless opportunity for creative legacies of soul with no criminal bag and tag roundy round in the prison system created by fear.
(Here we float, breathing in life, not braced but poised with a graceful acceptance.
Water flowing all around, air filling lungs, heart singing earth songs…
sun shining across faces surrendered to the flow life and love can be.)
I’ve started a collection of true stories, good news and soulful happenings for my kids to read. It’s how we augment the news that bombards us whether we like it or not. It’s how I keep my two sons afloat in middle school purgatory. And my eldest reminded of her power. There is love pouring out daily, into fields of receptivity and hope, beyond our little home, beyond our own experiences, inspiring new expressions of love-in-action.
And adding to the collection of inspiring truth is this gem from Rebelle Society, an online community of writing creativity and soufulness supreme, who I’m excited will be including my own heartflow soon…
“Every sound in every syllable of the name the universe calls itself is love. It is radiating out of the blackness of space, it is what keeps the star at the heart of the earth burning, and it is the only damn thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. Trees are love. Skyscrapers, desert mesas, corn growing alongside the road: love. Also, the moon, a baby’s hand, chocolate, rain boots, and the keyboard I am using to write this. A thousand blessings are raining down on you all the time.” Sarah Twichell, from a rich Rebelle Society post for today.
We get to choose our focus even when the uglies sometimes race a freak streak through our lives. We don’t have to be in denial about those tragedies that scream need for change. We don’t have to turn completely away from issues we want to be involved in, fighting for love’s best. But we can both/and our dance through this slice of life. We have the power to turn our eyes towards those things most empowering, lifting us into the truth of love’s relentless transformation right at our fingertips, and the responsibility we can embrace through an inspired work of presence.
Spread the Love!
Stand Strong…
“Faith is the power to stand up to the madness and chaos of the physical world while holding the position that nothing external has any authority over what heaven has in mind for you.” ~ Caroline Myss
Spread the Love!
Diplomatic Immunity?
The wisdom of Anais Nin keeps tossing itself into my line of vision these days without my soliciting it.
“Respect for the vulnerability of human beings is a necessary part of telling the truth, because no truth will be wrested from a callous vision or callous handling.” — Anais Nin
How do we provide access to the truth in a given situation, not necessarily THE truth? How do we do that simply and with grace without alienating those who don’t want to hear it but need to in order for things to progress? As it turns out, some folks just don’t want to hear it. They possess a sort of diplomatic immunity from being held accountable and sit with arms crossed and legs crossed and chin high. And their poses hum the tune of insecurity and over-compensation for vulnerability. It’s quite a tangle, working through the layers, discovering “who’s most vulnerable here?” And asking “how do I respect every person involved when so much opposition exists in one room?”
I’m amazed when someone has volunteered their involvement or their time and then assume because they have done so, they are not to be called out even if they’ve stomped on another in their line of charitable work. This is what brings to mind a twisted daily reality of “diplomatic immunity.” Their generosity or help becomes a sort of embassy in their minds where they take refuge against accountability in the land of heartful relating. “But…all these hours, all this work!” Right, but you smashed someone. Why?
Some folks will run howling from the room if you simply say “This really hurt.” Why? Because they’ve never been asked to see beyond their own sphere. Or. Because they’ve been trying so hard to prevent any disasters they’ve forgotten they’re attempts may create disaster. Why? Because control or fear-based actions tend to do that after a while. And so this business of deciding what is “callous” in a situation can appear to be subjective. But it’s safe to say a callous vision is one that doesn’t regard the needs, concerns or desires of another. (And there are vital pre-requisites to being able to even do that.)
It eventually boils down to this main question: Who, in this room of opposing views, am I most responsible for, besides myself? Loyalties, relationships, kindred souls in agreement with furthering a vision. Sometimes you have to storm the gates because there are so many gates around so many insecure sequestered “embassies” of fear any movement would be exactly that, a storm of collisions swirling. But I like this too…
“Equally, we may cast the spells of appreciation, gratitude and love – with every breath and word we utter, poetically.” Jim Fry
It’s something to aim for, anyway.
Spread the Love!
Vulnerable and Powerful
This is feeding my soul today…
“We are powerful beyond measure, and so deeply vulnerable at the same time. This may seem like a dichotomy, but it isn’t. We have misunderstood real power. It has been something assertive, non-surrendering, pushing on through. This is not real power. This is simply willfulness. Real power is something else- receptivity, openness, the courage to keep your heart open on the darkest of days, the strength to feel it all even when the odds are stacked against you. Real power is showing up with your heart on your sleeve and absolutely refusing to waste one moment of your life hidden behind edginess and armor. The art of enheartened presence. Now that’s power.” Jeff Brown
Yesterday was a messy day with attempts for unity and adults sitting around a big proper table trying hard to be grown-ups. Two teenagers looked on. And one wept. Quietly and courageously. She could see the landscape behind us all and just ahead. And all she could do was wipe tears, speaking through the flow, sharing her concerns. A river. We grown-ups, some of us were wiping tears. Some sat rigid, trying not to explode. Others apologized profusely, while one just sat like nothing mattered. Another sat opposite me, speaking when he could, trying not to step on egos. I spoke, trying to put my heart in my words without losing sight of the issue that needed to be resolved. I was told I did well with that. But my heart wanted happy endings and without that it felt like I had failed. Not that it was all on me…
There are times when heart and mind and strength collide with truth and unhealthy situations. And someone leaves the room yelling and stomping and the teens marvel that the adults are still growing in some areas. It’s all such a mish mash of humanity beautiful. Every bit of it is. I see the stomping, retreating figure as one who has every reason to stomp and yell but it’s misplaced and unfortunate in that scenario. And nothing is resolved.
So, I greet my day with this wonderful Jeff Brown gem and appreciate the heart I see in those who’ve been allowed to be human. I wish for us all that beautiful freedom…
Spread the Love!
Constellations Colliding
Previously quoted, posted, appreciated, re-stated and applicable always and especially today:
“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” Anaïs Nin
My world has roiled lately with backlash (my back gave out, a regular event in my life for over 2 decades now, fortunately only every 2 years) and more backlash (constellations colliding). I’m amazed, in spite of 45 years of living, at the seeming contradiction of realities residing in one individual, including myself. And multiplied across the planet almost exponentially: Loving, giving, punitive, manipulative. Unable to see it as such. Wait. Whiplash. My back hurts. Not that I’m perfect. (Shhh) Not that there’s any such thing.
But why? Why do people feel it acceptable to push others into a corner and call it motivation? Frown on anything not rigid, not controlled by fear of judgement, not bending to narrow-minded perspectives and, as they frown, self-justified, turn and declare the one-not-cowed “immature,” why? It’s not only heartless. It’s illogical. (I see this in the media everyday. I roll my eyes. But when it knocks on my door. WAAH!)
( And as I analyze and deal with this fact in some situations, if I continue to go after all that’s wrong about it I refuse the truth I’m embracing in this quote. o.O )
We had an event in my home this week. Not directly. But definitely involving a huge victory for my oldest and youngest children’s robotics team followed by this smashing crash with bits and parts flying everywhere as constellations collided in a pile of relationship flotsam. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t love. It was ridiculously confusing. (And still is.) It amounted to a refusal to see the acceptable humanity in another and a sad, rigid perspective of behavior with resulting punitive elements thrown in for good measure.
After a crazy scramble to salvage what can be salvaged, I land on this Anaïs Nin gem and can only comfort myself with the fact that some things can’t and won’t be reconciled. Not logically. But heartfully…
the heart is another matter, residing on planes and resting in soil refusing sometimes to ruthlessly record the wrongdoings and unjust goings on but deciding instead to remember the love (not that this is always the best approach, mind you!), growing a harvest hopefully nourishing soul. We know we won’t be able to fathom the motivations or stated justifications since we don’t live on whatever planet some live on but we do fathom the love regardless. The love we feel in spite of it. The investment made and the hopes nurtured. Somehow smashed bits of relationship flotsam can be pieced back together. For now.
I’m left with a deeper appreciation for the fact that one facet (or say, 20!) of any one person is not all there is to know and what we choose to embrace in our challenging experiences with those less desirable layers will reveal and deepen our capacity for love. If we allow it…but the backlash can be challenging.
As it turns out, we all know each other as well as we know outer space and the mechanisms and multitudinous intricacies of mitochondrial function and the core of the earth. And. Ad Infinitum. And the certainty of uncertainty. As much as I’m able to accept that anything is possible from person to person, that some people suddenly change their pattern of behavior (without doing drugs or having a psychotic break) because this is the way it is, there are still times when I’m blown away by the sudden turn of events. And the backlash is surreal.
The point of maturity reveals itself in how skillfully we discern which situation calls for a broader vision of tolerance and which scenario simply cannot allow us to continue the dance. And even then. We don’t always know what we think we know until the songs are over (or until the metaphors are finished roiling in the oven of transformation, threatening to stink up the post in a confusion of impressions!).
So, we shall see.
Spread the Love!
Directly Speaking…
”We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are, when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed, and beneath every sadness is a fear that there will not be enough time.
When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes our chances for joy. It’s like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then, forgetting that we chose to put them on, we complain that nothing feels quite real.
In this way, our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world, but to unglove ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold, and the car handle feels wet, and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being soft and unrepeatable.
As you breathe, let each breath undress your being–of attitude, of mood, of history.” – Mark Nepo
Inspiration isn’t happening these days, not in the form of writing, anyway. I get these moments of creative wonder and both hands are on the wheel of my car as I taxi someone somewhere or take myself across town. The moment passes and I face my keyboard with a fullness I can’t express. Not just yet. We writers do have our seasons of going simply on commitment. If we’ve the time. I have precious little these days.
This quote from Mark Nepo is a beautiful reminder of why we can take a deep breath and just be…unhindered. Even if all the writing projects are languishing somewhere under the rubble of too much to do.
J. Ruth Kelly 