Go There…
New What?!
Things I’ve seen, been touched by, moved by, otherwise disturbed or encouraged by in the past month and 8 days…
…grass growing up from the cracks, carving inevitability across sidewalks of “progress”
…hearts reuniting after months of estrangement and breathing a sigh of relief in the refreshing flow
…lives suddenly torn away from each other by the oddest, most revealing turn of events (with some lingering unfortunate confusion)
…overhearing two of my children conversationally saying “I don’t think you realize how much I love you…” (!!!!!!!!!) (they were dealing with relationship strain, beautifully, and the one who said it first was NOT the female. that’s the kind of argument you like to overhear…)
…the news of a beautiful 23 year old in India dying after the most horrifying example of inhumanity
…the proclamation of Newtown, CT “We choose love…”
…realizations of love as a conspiracy in spite of all the tyranny and violence suggesting otherwise
…renewal of faith in fate (married passionately to free will, of course)
…free-falls into grace
…a shimmering color-filled halo around the moon with barefoot laughter and kids dragged out of bed to watch (on holiday)
…a string of “coincidental” encounters speaking purpose bigger than my own designs
…a cat fight (or 2?) o.O
…friendships strengthened
…concerts calling a symphony of diversity
…paradox making meaning
…the release of singing 5 minutes of my life as a musical
…brewing schemes for more good wickedness
…recognition (the annual one) that “new” year is a great concept, allowing us the opportunity to reflect and review our lives, and wish others all the best but it’s also just another day…
And that’s the stuff I can share…
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Spirit
Synchronicity speaks deeply, quietly, relentlessly of Spirit, of the every “allplace” Spirit resides perpetually. And I love how just this week my kids kept us all up past midnight talking about Spirit. The quote below visited my Facebook newsfeed from Rob Brezsny as I sat exhausted after the toll of that worthwhile, lengthy dialogue with my children. Love the clarity…
Ken Wilber says:
“If Spirit has any meaning, it must be omnipresent, or all-pervading and all-encompassing. There can’t be a place where Spirit is not, or it wouldn’t be infinite. Therefore, Spirit has to be completely present, right here, right now, in your own awareness. That is, your own present awareness, precisely as it is, without changing it or altering it in any way, is perfectly and completely permeated by Spirit.
“Furthermore, it is not that Spirit is present but you need to be enlightened in order to see it. It is not that you are one with Spirit but just don’t know it yet. Because that would also imply that there is some place Spirit is not. No, according to Dzogchen, you are always already one with Spirit, and that awareness is always already fully present, right now. You are looking directly at Spirit, with Spirit, in every act of awareness. There is nowhere Spirit is not.”Further, if Spirit has any meaning at all, then it must be eternal, or without beginning or end. If Spirit had a beginning in time, then it would be strictly temporal, it would not be timeless and eternal. And this means, as regards your own awareness, that you cannot become enlightened. You cannot attain enlightenment. If you could attain enlightenment, then that state would have a beginning in time, and so it would not be true enlightenment.”Rather, Spirit, and enlightenment, has to be something that you are fully aware of right now. Something you are already looking at right now. We are all already looking directly at Spirit, we just don’t recognize it. We have all the necessary cognition, but not the recognition.”The above is by Ken Wilber from his book “Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the Life and Death of Treya Killam Wilber”
It is one of my deepest longings to instill in my seeking children an openness to Spirit, to the love that is always everywhere and within, a stewing, humming, perpetual and literal vibe of great pleasure, comfort, nourishment and grace. The radical kind. We’re blazing this trail within and in our lives and it takes courage not to have “the answer.” Because of that, it’s wonderful to find expression from another source, expression of confidence, of assurance of what is inherently experienced here. It imparts renewed courage to share with confidence of what we experience, each one, in our own spiritual awareness.
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Specifically Human
This Sunday my youngest son participated in the bell choir at a local church. It wasn’t just any worship service. It was a Moravian feast candlelight service. I sat there (and stood and sang hymns and held the candle and broke bread) looking up at the chandeliers and all around at the lights and decorations of the season and wondered why I felt glad to be there. Former semi-fundie no longer of religion sitting in a pew. With sister to my right and son and daughter to my right and the father of my children too. It was, once again, an odd arrangement of purposes. I was there to honor my son’s love of the bells and all things group. He loves community and has felt estranged from it all by our very unique way of living. His parents co-parent ‘though divorced and don’t fight, squabble or otherwise do anything but support each other in nurturing three beautiful lives. This is odd. We foster love and generosity in their lives and educate them on different paths of spirituality, as we’re able. And we live in a town that is 99.9% uber Christian. So, we are even more odd. And add to that the fact that we sit in what is actually a beautiful church with thoughtful and caring souls and we are that much more odd. We can go where we don’t “belong” and yet find belonging. And I realized, as I sat there, that I was glad to be there apart from the wonder of hearing my son in chime rhyme with all of his choir friends.
It was perplexing to me. On the one hand I knew immediately that it was that part of me longing to belong to a group bigger than my own clan, my own little world. I watched the bell choir director and her passion, knowing from her own revealing that she was struggling with some deeply challenging grief. And she stood there giving with whole heart.
There are, to my mind anyway, so many deep flaws in Christianity and so I walked out. But there I sat. Glad to be. And today I find this from Fromm:
“The most important sphere of giving…lies in the specifically human realm. What does one person give to another? He gives himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other–but that he gives him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness–of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him. In thus giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he enhances the other’s sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness. He does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself exquisite joy. But in giving he cannot help bringing something to life in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back to him; in truly giving, he cannot help receiving that which is given back to him. Giving implies to make the other person a giver also and they both share in the joy of what they have brought to life.” Erich Fromm – The Art of Loving
And I realize that the source of perplexity in my mind was the recognition that there was something deeply and authentically good about my being glad to be there. And that it didn’t mean I had changed my mind about my place in Christianity (not IN but with those who can be in it without being destructive). It meant that I could appreciate the flow of giving that occurs in these odd arrangements of purpose. I wondered, as I sat there, why are these folks here? Each family. Each person. Why? Do they do it by rote? Is it just another habit? And as I wondered that, it occurred to me that even that didn’t matter. I knew, without being able to say so to myself, that they were there to partake of each other. Even if stiffly assembled in long pews of wooden restriction. It is a place of sharing, of opening up to receive and reaching out to give.
And in the one most cherished verse of a long-favored hymn…
Oh, come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Oh, bid our sad divisions cease,
And be yourself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel…
We inherit our delusions sometimes, or our blind acceptance of long-held beliefs passed down from generation to generation. Or we openly, knowingly choose our walk of faith. We are an odd arrangement of reasons and purpose. And we resonate to what is inherently human within both our delusions and our beliefs. We do the best we can until we learn what more we can give, what more we can know, what more we can discover.
And sometimes we make ourselves odd. We disrupt the rhythm and cast off the tradition. But ultimately, we all want the same thing. To know and be known in love, to give and receive of our stories. The only way to do that is to meet each other where we are, as we are, without insistence on agreement in all things. We have this common ground…
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On Loss…
Life’s less gentle tides, all these flowing, sometimes crushing rides send us whirlwind spinning and yet, love. Love secures, sustains when all thought of explanation is a whimper in dark refrain. And somehow, in the roughest slam against some hard, craggy shelter, we are held together. By love.
The picture below is one taken of my children a handful of years ago. We were visiting Sunset Beach, NC for a memorial service at low tide. The metamorphosis of my children’s sweet lives in such a short stretch of time, their growth and resulting loss is palpable at times. It can seem strange to see it as such but growth is a loss, on many levels. It is an exchanging of one way of being in the world for a new way or a revised way of being. The need to hold to something constant while going through these changes is, at times, all-consuming. I see it in my youngest’s struggle with divorce, watching his siblings go from fun playful pals to serious, teenage individuals who want their own space. It’s plenty to deal with and all while growing a new phase of his own, unfolding into the pre-teen years.
And he does it with awareness, the double-edged sword of clarity and recognition of what he’s losing in order to gain something he doesn’t even know yet or trust. Without my interference or prompting, he sees. And I find myself reflecting on adulthood and on how so many never really get to that level of maturity beyond the inevitably obvious chronological advancement. The fear of life itself seizes us at some point, fear of the loss created by growth, by awareness, by commitment to choices, by accepting our greatness and our frailties and all the resulting responsibilities. And accountability. And possible accidents. And maybe even death. We, for all our adult constructs, can quickly find ourselves whispering… “Wait, take me back to the time under the pier when it was all so simple and ashes washed away in the tide, the idea of a life gone somehow muted in the sound of hypnotic waves. All is well…”
The first 4 “sentences” of this blog post were originally written for my dear friend, Kate. These words are my heart response to an onslaught of hurtful reminders of why it’s all so precious. She has faced death after death this past year and kept her heart open. We’re growing together in our friendship and in business, learning what we have to lose in order to make dreams come to life. And what we aren’t willing to lose. And what we can’t control, when others’ lives fade away. Growth requires awareness, objectivity, rational acceptance and commitment. And this is true at any age. But more so as we age and feel the urgency of life’s demands.
What strikes me through it all, through birth and death, in the midst of growth from being cute cuddly kids to sometimes awkward teens to “adults” to mature individuals is how deeply we need truth and courage in order to grow in a love that is real. Not some sentimental fluff hoping to hide. How do we get there? To that place of courage? We get there by believing in our best, by trusting life to toss us around a bit and teach us what we’re made of and why we cry when we lose what is so deeply precious to us. We get there by embracing our greatness and all the responsibility that goes with it. We get there by not pretending we’ve arrived at some height of enlightenment exempt from frailty or flaws. There’s no arrival. Just this clinging as we go and letting go as we must, affirming love as we allow life to shape us…
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Truth Fetish?
”Nothing should stand between yourself and God. Not imims, priests, rabbis, or any other custodians of moral or religious leadership. Not spiritual masters, not even your faith. Believe in your values and your rules, but never lord them over others. If you keep breaking other people’s hearts, whatever religious duty you perform is no good. Stay away from all sorts of idolatry, for they will blur your vision. Let God and only God be your guide. Learn the Truth, my friend, but be careful not to make a fetish out of your truths.” Shams Tabrizi
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Maslow’s Heaven…
“Heaven, so to speak, lies waiting for us through life, ready to step into for a time and to enjoy before we have to come back to our ordinary life of striving. And once we have been in it, we can remember it forever, and feed ourselves on this memory and be sustained in time of stress.” Abraham Maslow
Depending on the richness of your imagination, a sweet moment or memory can be felt again. Say “pecan” and I smell one, recalling it in my mind and those first moments life tumbled pecans my way, down hills and under trees towering tall with sun spilling past the leaves green, alive with birdsong. Then, my body was so new, still so unspent and that energy hums under the surface when I remember deeply, recalling to my now what was and is still so very alive.
Sit back, right now, where you are and find that bit of heaven within.
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So Much Splendour…
“Perhaps the song of birds is ‘explainable’ simply as a device for sexual attraction; perhaps the radiant wings of insects are no more than protecting colouring; perhaps the beauty of the morning-glory is merely to entice the bee, appealing no doubt to his acute aesthetic appreciation of colour and form. Perhaps. But if the aim of so much splendour is merely to stimulate the sexual processes of purely instinctual organisms, the mountain has laboured and brought forth a mouse.” Alan Watts – Behold The Spirit
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A New Kind of Faith . . .
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No Compromise…
“To be your own shaman, you must be responsible for recognizing and nurturing the needs of your soul. This entails honoring and connecting with your soul-self and honoring and following your soul path. When you take good care of your soul, the energy of your soul is readily available for health, happiness, well-being, living your life fully, and pursuing personal growth and spiritual evolution.” Colleen Deatsman and Paul Bowersox – Seeing in the Dark
At some point on the path that now trails behind me, not too distant, I reached a place inside, a level of growth that insisted I not compromise my still-forming vision – unless I was forced to do so by some crazy emergency situation. So far, so good. At times it has seemed inevitable, that compromise and capitulation to some hefty life challenges, but there have been plenty of last minute reprieves. Soon, I’m convinced that even the haunt of last-minute, almost-had-to-give-upness will be gone.
But in the meantime, one thing I cannot compromise is what I do for a living and how. And even where. I prefer from the home so I can be here when my kids get home. I insist on working with people who are committed to personal growth and transformation, to creativity and generosity. A spiritual, soulful focus is a must. And so it is, and a wealth of opportunity, growth and challenge. How do we get here? To this point of no-return? By insisting on getting real, staying real and allowing radical grace to erase the old programs of automaton, rigid conformity to norms and status quo, by embracing a path of growth, of awareness, and of authenticity, releasing control and fear.
It’s not easy. I’ve not “arrived” but I feel a kinship with all things transformed and transforming and what a feast this life has become, even at the worst moments. It’s all good…
